Sunday, October 25, 2009

I'm cracking...

It's been almost four weeks and I'll be honest....

I'm tired,

I wasn't prepared for this,

and I'm cracking.

This has been harder than I thought it would be. To those who are expecting their first, when I said only after the first few days that it was easier than I thought it would be, that was only because all she did was sleep the first 72 hours. Now it seems all she does is cry and I don't know how to make her happy.

Tonight I had a break down and no, it wasn't the first time. I had to leave because I couldn't take it anymore. I left her with David and went and walked around wal-mart because I was so tired of it all (Yes, I'm serious when I say that wal-mart is the only thing to do in our small town). I've wanted to be a stay-at-home mom for as long as I can remember. Now, that I'm finally doing it, I'm not to sure about it. Yes, I love her but, it's exhausting to be around her 24/7. Now I know why Nicole treasures her Mondays without the kids.

When David walked in from work today, she was in tears and I was in tears. But, I always feel bad that he has been at work all day and as soon as he walks in, I'm handing her off for him to take care of. Don't get me wrong, I've worked with children long enough to know that I love children, but I'm hating this newborn stage. I will be so glad when it's over, but of course, there's a part of me that feels guilty for saying that. Miley's "the Climb" is playing on the radio and I'm in tears again.

It's not helping the situation that I'm still trying to "recover" from two surgeries. I'm tired of being scared to do anything because I'm afraid I'll reopen my incision. I'm tired of constantly worrying if I'm healing on the inside and not having any way of knowing. I feel like I'm constantly walking on egg shells and I just want to be back to my normal self. I hear it a hundred times a day and I'm trying to rest and take it easy, but when she's asleep, it's the only time I have to get anything done. Doing those things are the only thing right now that give me some sort of feeling of normalcy.

Plus, the mermaid girl past away on Friday and my mom called this morning to break the news to me. That has also made me sad today. That little girl's outlook on life and her situation was a true inspiration. My heart breaks for her parents.

Sorry, I know this post is all over the place, but thanks for letting me get it off my chest.


The Browns said...

Awww, I saw the mermaid girl on Oprah & I had no idea she passed away! She was such a sweet, cute little girl.

And, hang in there Amber. It can only go up from here, right? You will recover from your surgeries & I'll be praying for you :)


Kameron said...

You shouldn't feel guilty for having those feelings. There is a reason sleep deprivation is used as torture for prisoners. It really starts to mess with your mind. The first 6 weeks with Nathan almost caused me to have a mental breakdown so I know exactly how you are feeling. All I can say is that it does get better. It's not some miracle that all of a sudden they are perfect, but your body starts adjusting a little and they start sleeping a little longer. Just know that your feelings are completely normal and it doesn't make you a bad mom to voice them and get support! Hang in there! I'll be in the same boat really soon...except I'll have a toddleer to deal with at the same time! Crap.

Jen said...

Don't worry honey, like your friend said above, it does get better. I know my first few weeks with Addie were tough. She needed to be held 24/7 and I felt like I could never get anything done either. But as soon as my incision started to heal and I was getting into more of a routine with her, it did feel easier and I did feel happier to be around her. You will always want your wal-mart breaks...I call them my target breaks...but they will be with good reason. Mommies need breaks sometimes. That doesn't make you a bad mother...that makes you normal :-) Hang in there sweetie and vent to all of us whenever you feel you need the release :-)